“Gaslighting” has become a widely used word, often applied to any moment when someone dismisses or twists our words. At its core, gaslighting in relationships means making another person doubt their perception of reality. It can sound like:

• “You’re imagining things.”
• “That never happened.”
• “You’re too sensitive.”

In its most harmful form, gaslighting is a tool of control and emotional manipulation. But it’s also true that most of us—without intending harm—have gaslit someone at some point.

Gaslighting as Defensiveness

Not every instance of gaslighting means your partner, friend, or colleague is abusive. Sometimes, it’s simply defensiveness in the heat of the moment. When emotions are running high, we can all fall into the trap of believing our perspective matters more than the other person’s. In those moments, invalidating or dismissing what someone else says may feel like the easiest way to protect ourselves.

That doesn’t make it healthy—but it does make it human.

Why Calling Out Gaslighting Can Backfire

If you’re in a relationship with someone who usually listens, but occasionally gaslights you when they feel attacked, calling them out with “You’re gaslighting me!” can escalate the conflict. Even if you’re right, the label itself tends to sound accusatory and aggressive.

A gentler, more effective approach is to bring the focus back to your own experience. You might say:

• “I don’t feel heard right now.”
• “I need you to pause and try to understand what I’m saying.”

This approach shifts the dynamic away from blame and toward connection.

When Gaslighting Becomes a Serious Problem

There’s an important distinction, though. If someone regularly uses deflective or dismissive phrases—if they constantly shut you down, twist your words, or refuse to give your perspective any value—this points to a deeper issue and can reflect narcissistic traits.

A pattern of chronic gaslighting in relationships, combined with a lack of empathy and consistent loving behaviors, creates a major barrier to trust and safety.

In these cases, it’s not just defensiveness—it’s a toxic pattern. Continuing to tolerate it without addressing it can harm your emotional well-being.

Finding the Middle Ground

In most relationships, the truth lies somewhere in between. The person who gaslights you may genuinely be caring, but under stress or in conflict, they might fall into the habit of dismissing your feelings or turning the tables on you.

When the moment is calm, you can bring this up gently:

• “Sometimes when we argue, I feel like my perspective is shut down. That makes it harder for me to stay open with you.”
• “Can we find a way to slow down so we both feel heard?”

Framing it this way helps your partner understand the impact of their behavior without making them defensive.

A Hopeful Perspective

Gaslighting in relationships is always an unhealthy form of communication. But that doesn’t mean every instance is a red flag. With awareness, patience, and care, most people can learn to catch themselves and shift toward healthier communication.

The key is balance: don’t dismiss your own need to feel heard and understood, but also don’t assume every instance of gaslighting is malicious. By staying curious, compassionate, and clear about your needs, you give your relationships the best chance to grow stronger instead of breaking under the weight of misunderstanding.

✨ Final Thought: Everyone deserves to feel heard. The goal isn’t to win an argument—it’s to stay connected, even in conflict.